The Power of Kindness Over Cool: A Lesson from Kyle Collinsworth and Research on Popularity

We recently discussed a conversation we had with NBA player Kyle Collinsworth on our podcast. He shared a powerful piece of advice that stuck with us. He encouraged young people to “put down cool and pick up kindness.” This simple yet profound message speaks volumes, especially in a world where “cool” often reigns supreme. In a time when image and status can overshadow the importance of character, Kyle’s words remind us all of the lasting power of kindness.

In a letter to teenagers published in Psychology Today, child psychologist Mitch Prinstein, Ph.D., addressed the two kinds of popularity that influence young people today: Likability Popularity and Status Popularity.

According to Prinstein, likability popularity is based on being someone who makes others feel good, included, and valued. This form of popularity is most common among younger children and is rooted in genuine connection and kindness.

On the other hand, status popularity is centered around power, attention, and influence. It’s often associated with those who seem to have it all together—those with the most followers on social media, the flashiest personalities, or the most prominent social positions. However, Prinstein points out that high status doesn’t always translate to likability. In fact, in many high schools, the students who hold the highest status are often not very well-liked, especially among their peers.As Prinstein puts it, “…the kids who are most popular (that is, having the highest status) actually aren’t very well liked.” This concept is critical, especially for young athletes, who often find themselves at the center of attention.

At Especially for Athletes, we recognize that athletes are frequently thrust into the “spotlight” of status popularity, which we call the SPORTLIGHT. While the SPORTLIGHT may seem like a gift, it can be a curse if athletes don’t know how to manage it. We consistently remind athletes that if they don’t learn how to handle the SPORTLIGHT, it can burn them. The SPORTLIGHT can easily become a source of pressure and isolation if an athlete doesn’t remain grounded and embrace kindness over status.

Just because an athlete has status popularity doesn’t mean they can’t also cultivate likability. In fact, because of their visibility, athletes have a unique opportunity to influence others positively. At Especially for Athletes, we emphasize the importance of athletes using their platform to make others feel good, included, and valued. By doing so, athletes can show that their kindness has even more power because of the attention they receive. As Prinstein points out, research shows that the “coolest” kids in high school, those who focus solely on status, often suffer the most as adults. They are at greater risk for loneliness, job instability, failed relationships, and even addiction. In contrast, those who prioritize likability, whobuild genuine connections based on kindness, experience long-term happiness and success. These individuals tend to have better relationships, more fulfilling careers, and even longer lives.

That’s the goal we’re working toward at Especially for Athletes: helping athletes understand the importance of living outside themselves. We teach them to keep their “eyes up” looking for others in need and then encourage them to do the work to lift and help others, knowing that kindness and connection are the true keys to a long, happy life. By focusing on others, building meaningful relationships, and choosing kindness over cool, athletes can avoid the loneliness and regret that often accompany the pursuit of status. At the end of the day, it’s not about who’s the coolest—it’s about who can make the world better with their actions, one kind gesture at a time.

We had a long discussion about this in this week’s podcast.

Here is a link to Prinstein’s letter.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-modern-teen/201901/letter-teens-about-the-science-popularity